Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
