oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
