I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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