just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want a musical about memes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
