yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
