I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Floor bacon is actually really good
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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