My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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