I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
