Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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