Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
