how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
