I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
