I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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