My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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