Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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