i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
