I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
