3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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