im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
