Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
