I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
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This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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