your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
