I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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