i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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