I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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