I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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