Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
