I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
