I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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