She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
