My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You took a bar mat shot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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