I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
