Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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