I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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