did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
