the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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