eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
