Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
