So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
