My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
