Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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