Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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