you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i think i have herpe
just one?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
