4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
