i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize