Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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