if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
