I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
