quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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