the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
