I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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