WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
