all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
