Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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