i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
