theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
