sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
