I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
